I know this is what you have all been waiting for.
The definitive list of all that I want in a man:
1. Makes me laugh
2. Heart for evangelism
3. Tall, dark, and heartbreakingly handsome
4. Will do the crossword with me
This is clearly a tall order, but I am beginning to worry that the hardest requirement will actually be the crossword one. This may not be shocking to normal people like you, but it is a little bewildering to sheltered dweebs like myself. I think crossword puzzles are fun, but then again, one of the highlights of my life was going to see Wheel of Fortune being filmed, and my dad read encyclopedias for fun as a kid. So while I know I am in the minority, I am here today to spout the many, MANY benefits that are included in the life of a crossword-puzzler, not the least of which is that you could be doing one right now instead of reading this.
I think part of the problem is that most people associate crossword puzzles with old age, drooling, and death. What we need here is a classic re-branding (I am somewhat of an authority on this subject, as I took a singular marketing class in college). Just think about it. We have a great product: crosswords are a slow-paced, often mentally frustrating, and contain a lot of dumb puns. What’s not to love? While the rest of you are melting your brains on Netflix or, alternatively, contributing to society, I am sharpening my intellectual skills. You know how they always advertise crossword puzzle books as being able to “reduce your brain age?” My brain is about six months old, suckas.
Also, they make for fun group activities when waiting as a group (such as in airplane terminals) or when everyone is too lazy to move anymore (such as in nursing homes). For instance, my family was filling one out in the San Diego airport, waiting for our connecting flight, and people, complete strangers, mind you, chimed in to help us. What do we learn from this? (As if crosswords haven’t already taught us enough!) Crosswords bring people together! And/or if you say the same obvious clue aloud often enough in a public place, some frazzled soul will be driven right over the edge of sanity and bark out the answer to you. The cause and effect is clear, ladies and gentlemen.
I also have extensive knowledge of strange terms that have become extremely useful, in the sense that I use them a lot only when doing other crosswords. Ire, Yul, alee ... you crossworders know what I’m talking about, amiright? Right? Hey, wake up, puzzlers! Now is not the time to take a pre-bingo nap! Hey! Don’t you dare turn down your hearing aids when I’m talking to you!
No, but seriously, I think a lot of young people would enjoy crosswords, if we could just make them electronic, and easier, and suspiciously close to Flappy Birds in concept, appearance, and actuality. Until then, however, if you want to spice up your crossword-ing, you can use my Dad’s technique (which he calls “Extreme Crossword Puzzling,” patent pending) of group crossword puzzling wherein when it becomes clear that someone has given a wrong answer he throws them in the pool, usually fully clothed (If you don’t have a pool, you could use a public fountain, a neighbor’s pool, or, in desperate situations, your dog’s water dish as a substitute). Crossword puzzling is taken very seriously in my family.
So obviously after considering all these GREAT BENEFITS (possibility of drowning, public assault, etc. etc.) you are ready to close this browser and give the old noggin a workout. Right after you take your Metamucil.