This post was written by my husband, Dave. -Mary
As many of you know, Mary and I recently moved halfway across the country for a job change and to be closer to Mary’s family in the Midwest. Among the many tough things about moving to a new area is finding a new church. While Mary grew up in the St. Paul/Minneapolis area, our Reformed Baptist/evangelical beliefs don’t quite line up with the Lutheran church she grew up in, so that wasn’t an option. We had to search cold turkey (which, side point, I’ve been eating a lot of lately -- #Thanskgivingleftovers).
It’s been 5 ½ years since I last was in a new area with no similarly-minded contacts or churchgoing friends nearby. It’s a vulnerable place to be and can make church searching a daunting prospect. Our situation may seem like a rare circumstance, but I think more people experience it than some churches would like to acknowledge. From this position, Mary and I have realized there’s a few REALLY important things churches can and should do to help us as church seekers:
1) Take the initiative
Like I said before, new visitors (especially those with no family or friend associations at the church) are in a vulnerable place, and it’s always intimidating to walk into a crowd of new faces, especially if you’re introverted like us. The last thing we want is to feel like it’s our responsibility to start conversations with people. Instead, we hope that someone will notice us and seek us out, say hello, introduce themselves, and ask us questions -- it really means a lot. [So far we’ve been to 4 churches, and they’ve been 4/4 on this one, thankfully.]
2) Share a little about yourself
This one bleeds into #1 a little, as the hope is that those who seek visitors out will be kind enough to share their name and a little about themselves. But it’s worth noting because we’ve experienced the opposite. I’ve been to many churches where during the “official greeting time” in the service, all I receive from people is a smile, a mechanical “good morning,” and maybe a handshake. Would it hurt them to share their name and a few more words with me? It would show me that they’re actually interested in building new relationships, which is an important thing. [The churches were also 4/4 for this one, though the level of genuine intentionality in the conversations varied quite a bit.]
3) Ask unassuming questions
As I said in #1, we like questions. They’re a great way to get know someone new, and even an introvert like me enjoys talking about myself a little. For example, some good questions we were asked during our visits included:
“Where are you from?”
“What brings you to our church?”
“Where do you work?”
“Do you have any kids?”
What’s not so great is when people let their biases and personal preferences infect their questions, causing them to make assumptions about how other people live, feel, or think in their attempt to connect with them. Here are some not-so-good questions we got:
[In response to us saying we found the church online] “So you must love John MacArthur, then?” and “So you must prefer expositional preaching and traditional hymns.”
[In response to us saying we don’t have kids] “So you’re newly married?”
Hmm…well, maybe I haven’t followed much of John MacArthur, and maybe we like hymns but also love well-written contemporary music. Maybe we aren’t newly married -- we just haven’t started having kids yet or we’re having difficulty. Assumptions (while not usually ill-intentioned) can make people feel awkward, judged, or guilted into responding a certain way. When trying to get to know new people whom you know nothing about and who may be very different from you, it’s best to leave things as open as possible to give them room to share who they really are. [We hit a couple of these uncomfortable questions at one church, so 3/4 here.]
4) Extend invitations that aren’t laced with guilt or need
It was encouraging to hear about different ministries going on at the churches we visited and to feel invited back, because we want to find a church home that has a place where we can use the gifts God has given us. But while it’s good to feel warmly invited and wanted, it’s not as good to feel needed, and especially not needed immediately. (Believe it or not, some of us want to take some time just being at a church before jumping into lots of activities!) Unfortunately it’s all too easy for active church members to attempt to recruit new visitors into various ministries where they see a need. At church we visited, one man (after quick introductions) encouraged us to join the choir because “we’ve lost a number of people and could really use some new members,” while another lady pushed us to jump head-first into a Toys for Tots packing event she was in charge of “even if you don’t end up coming here.” We received a few “we hope you come back” invitations as well, which can come across and needy and more about them than us. A healthy church will trust in God’s provision and extend open invitations to visitors. The pastor of one church we visited put it perfectly: “We want you to know that we would love to have you here, but what we really want is for you to find the church God has called you to, even if it’s not ours.” [Of the four churches, only this one really did a good job of extending an invitation without pushing any guilt or need. 1/4]
5) Follow-up, Follow-up, Follow-up
What impresses me most about a church is often what happens before and after the Sunday service. What happens to that guest information card that I fill out and put in the offering plate, or the questions I send by email or from the church website? Will I receive a letter, an email, a phone call? Will it be boilerplate or personal? Or did my name and information get lost in the shuffle altogether? It’s hard to feel connected with a church community that seems uninterested in me or too busy to get know me. I always feel the most welcome when a pastor or church member takes the time to personally reach out to me and offers to get together to answer questions and get to know me better. When I first contacted what became our home church in Albany back in 2012, even before my first Sunday I had already had dinner and a great discussion with the lead pastor and was invited to visit a small group. Personal connection is an important part of building community, and I see taking the initiative to follow-up with visitors as a big part of that. [While three of the four churches have responded since we visited, only one so far took the time to personally reach out beyond a boilerplate letter. 1/4]
To sum up, I want to emphasize that church hospitality is not an easy thing, and I know that no church is perfect. But Mary and I are working through the church-searching process firsthand, and that’s not an easy thing either, even though we’ve been part of different churches our whole lives. I encourage all you churchgoers to keep these things in mind as you serve, so we (as the larger church body) can be that open door for all kinds of people, who all need real community and real truth in their lives.