Online dating, I like to say, simultaneously builds and destroys your faith in humanity. You feel there must be good in the world when you have nice conversations or you discover a shared love of Space Jam. “Ah!” you say, “Lookit these quality prospects!” And then also there are the dummies.
This blog post is for the dummies.
Here are things you, if you are a man, (because men are clearly the majority reading audience of this blog LOLOLOL) should NEVER do should you ever want to use online dating. Like, just don’t.
Here is the power of the internet, people: you can carefully craft messages before you send them! You don’t even have to be your real self! You could write a beautifully constructed profile that would make me swoon! You could be an axe-murderer, but if you’re good enough at marketing, I would never know! (Not that this ever happens, mom!) But based on the skillz showcased by people on these sites, I’m pretty sure they would straight up say “interested in axes and murder and stuff.” Or they would take this fascinating aspect of their personality, namely, homicidal tendencies, and turn it into something truly bland, like “Sometimes people annoy me lol.”
Here are some excerpts from actual profiles I have seen, for your reading enjoyment…
My self summary: 5’ 8’’
I’m really good at: I once built an epic tree fort
Well, I mean, if you’re going to brag about just a few things, I guess your average height and tree fort construction prowess are good choices??
What I’m doing with my life: i have plans and ambitions
My self summary: a friend told me i should get on here, so i said what the hell why not
Why not, indeed.
What I’m doing with my life: Going to Mizzou, working at UPS, trying to find my pants
I’m really good at: At being a super chill guy
Maybe a little TOO chill, if finding your pants is really a consistent problem.
If they aren’t putting effort into their profiles, you better believe they’re not putting effort into the messages they send.
I have literally gotten this message:
“Hi how are you”
Oh I’m great, but apparently not WORTH THE EFFORT OF PUNCTUATION KTHANXBYE
This next message, while gut-wrenchingly awful, at least gets points for effort, even if that effort was just typing a message and copying and pasting it to every girl:
“To be honest, I can not find a word that justifies or describes how gorgeous you really are. I am not even sure that word exist. But I will admit to my eyes you are hands down one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen if not the most beautiful. I really do mean every word of that. I would love for a chance to get to know you and hear back from you.”
To be honest, I can not find a word that justifies or describes how full of, excuse my French, bologna, you really are. I am not even sure that word exist. Maybe more than one word. But I will admit to my brain, and other various body parts, that this is hands down one of the most vomit-inducing messages, if not the most vomit-inducing message, I have ever seen. I really do mean every word of that.
“Hello, what’s your favorite color? :-)”
Who are you, BUDDY THE ELF? And who even makes smiley faces with noses?? #judgment
On the bright side, here is one of my favorite messages. To explain, one of my pictures is my famous with-a-tiger-in-Thailand photo.
“Apparently we aren’t well matched. Whatever. I’m just curious about how you managed to meet a tiger?”
This man knows what he wants.
This same rant applies to photos. There are absolutely ZERO EXCUSES for having a crappy photo. You could use glamour photos! Photoshopped photos! A stock photo that’s not even you! At the very least, maybe put on a shirt? I mean, I get it, you have abs. Hooray for you.
This is not to say it’s all bad. It’s just 70% bad. I have met some cool people. Some people have genuinely interesting profiles and send genuinely interesting messages. It’s fun! But I also want to open a Lisa Speckhard’s Remedial School For Writing-Challenged Boys.
So, as promised, here is how you online date:
Step One: Read my profile. Find interesting tidbit to comment on. There are lots; I’m a fascinating person.
Step Two: Message me with reference to that tidbit.
Sample: Hey! You seem like a super quality girl! I noticed (insert reference to fascinating tidbit). I have similar experience/think that’s cool/have a question about (fascinating tidbit)
See?? You really CAN online date! But first, you may need to find those pants, and a decent picture of yourself, and also, a personality.
[Side note: writing this blog post has had the adverse effect of me HOPING I will receive stupid messages to use as blog fodder. But actually, this is great, because if I get a good message, hurrah, if I get a bad message, I can just use it to educate other hapless men on the interwebs. So, win-win, basically.]